I need some really funny jokes please! ?
Hello, I nai not a really funny joke herd in a long time. S' you like it to give me some which is funny. S' YOU LIKE IT! I want those which have to see with anything. I of which care. I want just jokes s' you like it.
what smells like carrots?
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bunny farts
i always thought that joke was cute!
Guess what…….chicken foot!!!!!\\
i crack myself up sometimes
where does lightning come from?????? your nose!!!!!
i could be a stand up comedian… only i’m sitting down!
whats a white guy surrounded by 9 black guys?
coach.
my jokes a pretty stereotype, but im not. i just find them funny.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
when i die i wanna go peacefully in my sleep like my uncle, and not screaming and shouting like his passengers.
what is a lezbian eskimo……klaundike
A seven year old boy was at the center of a county courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy had a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Dallas Cowboys, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
OK it aint really funny but you may be able to use it.
ok so theres 3 criminals and they are lining up to get executed. The first one lines up and they are about to shoot him and he yells EARTHQUAKE! so they all run to get cover – he escapes. The 2nd prisoner is about to be killed and he yells TORNADO! the guard runs to get cover – the prisoner escapes. The third prisoner lines up and he is about to be killed and he yells FIRE!
heres another
Did you hear about the pencial that broke? (start walking away)
OH it has no point!
u have to say wat i say…
“ok so i have two jokes… heres the first one,
so the to captins of the soccor team are arguing about who can kick a rock the higest…so captin #1 kicks a rock and it goes up and up and comes down, captin #2 kicks it and it goes up and never comes down!!
wat u dont get that one?! okay so heres the other one.
theres and old woman on a plane with her chihuahua named fluffy, fluffy continues to bark although cleary everyone is getting anoyed. There is also an old man, who is smoking a cigar, this was when you could still smoke in the planes. this man yells at the woman to make her dog shut up. The woman tells the man that it would be nice for him to stop smoking. so they make a deal, the man will throw the ciagar out the back of the plane, but the woman has to throw the dog out the back of the plane. So they do it. what the man didn’t no was that fluffy was on a long long long long leash. so when he returns to his seat, she pulls up fluffy, and guess wat she had in her mouth?”
the person will say the cigar
“nope…the rock!!”
it may be stupid…but i like it!
One day an Irishman was walking along a beach when he came across a genie’s lamp. Excited by what he saw, he rubbed the lamp and magically, a genie appeared before him:
“Hello, master, I’m here to grant you three wishes!”
Like a good ole Irishman, he sure loved his liquor: “I wish that I could have a Heineken beer that magically refills itself when I finish it!”
The genie exclaimed with vigor: “Your wish is my command!” At that very instant, the Irishman was holding a Heineken beer. To see if it really refilled itself, he drank the entire thing right then and there and lo and behold, the bottle magically refilled itself.
Needless to say, this was the greatest thing that the Irishman had ever laid his eyes upon and he couldn’t get enough of it. He continued drinking and refilling.
The genie began to get a little impatient: “You realize that you have two more wishes?”
The Irishman didn’t hear him. He was too engrossed in his magic bottle. It completely fascinated him.
The genie still was impatient: “Please, just make your last two wishes!”
No answer. Too excited over his magic refilling bottle.
“Master! Your wishes!”
“Oh right, right, I’m terribly sorry. I know exactly what to wish for. I wish for two more of these!”
Funny, right?
A baby seal walks into a club!
There were an American girl, a Russian girl, and a Blondie girl fighting over who was better.
Russian girl: “We were the first ones to go to space!”
American girl: “Well we were the first ones to go to the moon!”
Blondie girl: “Well we are going to be the first ones to go to the sun!”
Russian and American girl: “What??? Your going to burn up when you reach the sun!”
Blondie girl: “We aren’t that dumb. We’ll go at night!”
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A blondie went inside a store to buy a TV
Blondie: “Can i have that TV over there”
Employee: “Sorry, but we don’t sell TVs to blondies”
So the blondie ran to the nearest barbor shop and dyed her hair black. She went back to the store and asked the same question.
Employee: “Sorry, but we don’t sell TVs to blondies”
Then the blondie went back to the Barbor shop and dyed her hair red and went back to the store and asked the same question
Employee: “Sorry, but we don’t sell TVs to blondies”
Blondie: “How do you know that i’m a blondie?”
Employee “Cause thats a microwave”
~*7PrettyCool7*
would you like to hear a dirty joke?
joe rolled in the mud.
would you like to hear a clean joke?
joe took a bath with bubbles.
would you like to hear a dirty joke?
bubbles is the girl next door.
Saying the Right Thing at the Right time
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas party. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side
table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: ‘Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Jillian’
He stumble to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper, His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks: ‘Son… what happened last night?
‘Well, you came home after 3AM, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, ‘So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean?
I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?
His son replies,,’Oh That!.. Mom dragged you to the Bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone bitch, I’m Married!!
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time…….
PRICELESS ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Father: Everything is going up! The price of food is up; the price of clothing is up; taxes are up. If only there was one thing going down!
Son: this ought to make you feel better, dad. It’s my report card.
Teacher : how many sexes are there?
Student : Three
Teacher : Three? Can you name them?
Student : male sex, female sex, and insects